I have spoken for years about looking at fears and have helped others to identify them and utilise their energy to grow.
I have just as many fears as the next person and when I look at my life, I can see that I never ‘get rid’ of fears. I deal with a fear on one level and when I have cleared that issue, I see that the original fear or energy of that fear, transposes itself into another area of my life.
Let’s say I have brought balance into my social life but as compensation, my finances begin to wobble and my mind starts to weave stories again, creating worry and fear.
And the imbalance is always revealing to me where I need to bring my awareness. Where I am not in acceptance of who I am.
In the past few weeks my life reflected clearly to me what was out of balance. Where my thinking was running riot. This time my youngest son took on the role of delivering the lesson.
It was about not being able to control another person.
In earlier years I always believed that I could control other people by my actions. Thinking I could push and push and exert my influence on others to get my way. And thinking that it was a plus for me if I was in control all the time.
But then I came to see that the only person I really had any control over was me. And even then, I couldn’t ‘make’ myself do anything that I didn’t want. My heart always guided that and if I ignored it, my body would react physically.
So what have I learned from my son? That I can’t force him to do things that I want him to do and that includes attending school. Pure force is not the answer. And threats don’t do the trick either. It’s calling for a complete turnaround and an examination of why something is not working any more. After all, it’s insanity to keep doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.
One thing has become crystal clear to me. I do not wish to have family conflict due to us having to enforce something on our child that he is totally unhappy with. That makes no sense whatsoever. The school requires us as parents to enforce the rules as we are the ones in the long run who can be prosecuted in extreme cases. The hole they have allocated him is round and he has these little edges that won’t allow him to fit in.
So instead of hacking and chipping off bits to make the fit, why not seek the natural fit?
This situation reached its climax when I was faced with not knowing where my child was. No mobile phone connection. No clues. Just no way of reaching him. And it was in those moments that I knew that I had no choice but to surrender. Both two weeks ago and yesterday again.
I had completely lost control over my child. So it made no sense to apply punishments, withdraw treats, do anything that might result in further aggravation of the situation. I decided to relinquish all need to punish and just open my heart to listening. Which I did, without anger, without prying, without any sort of threats of repercussions.
We sat and talked and listened to each other in a calm, still place. What joy!
Today is another day. Yet all is very well. And all will continue to be well when we keep this heart connection open. Nothing else matters.
It’s okay for me to be completely out of control as a mum. And it allows me to be in a space of love.