Self Censorship is not Just Self-Betrayal – Inspiration from Emerson

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, our inner voice, our highest self.”

Ralf Waldo Emerson

I find these words from Emerson so powerful and challenging.

They resonate so deeply with what I have been asking myself again and again over the past few months.  They bring to the surface a multitude of questions that are so difficult to answer.

Why is it so difficult to bring thoughts, words and actions into alignment? Why is it so hard to fully express all of our thoughts and dreams? Why do our words freeze up when we are on the brink of uttering things that would set us free?

I have watched myself closely all through my life and seen how I have carefully put some of my most intimate thoughts and desires in wraps away in some dark closet in the recesses of my mind again and again and again. These abandoned and suppressed packages have piled up on the shelf, refusing to die off. Their low-level moaning has been barely perceptible over the years and yet their call always remains audible amidst all the other noise and distraction that constantly circulates in my life.

I am truly a master of self-betrayal and abandonment. Betrayal of my soul and higher self.

It begins with being questioned by those around me – How are you today? – Instead of replying that I am feeling so out of touch with myself and would love to travel to distant shores and fill up my tank with loving experiences and people, I reply that I’m actually okay and getting by.

And what about those moments I am asked what I think about something. Instead of saying that I find it totally unacceptable and I feel dishonoured, I reply in a watered down way, saying that I need to have a think about things and that it’s not all that bad.

And then there are the days I spend doing all those things that don’t make my heart sing.  But I do them and sit quietly pretending that it was okay and that I will find time the next day to do the things I would really love to do.

Then there are the years spent doing work at a job I don’t love, the times spent prioritising what others want and swallowing resentment, the lifetimes feeling unappreciated by those near and dear and just accepting it although it doesn’t feel true.

How deep does the self-betrayal go? What would I love to do with my life? My higher self whispers continuously, like a recording on repeat. Each time the volume goes up just a fraction, making it harder and harder to drown out.

It’s not enough to be doing some things. To be responding to some of the promptings. To selectively ignore others that seem harder to satisfy.

Soul betrayal means not truly honouring who I am. It means disregarding my sacredness and ignoring that wisdom deep within me that knows without a doubt what my calling is. What will make me whole.

Soul betrayal means hearing that wisdom but not taking steps to unravel the tangled mess of denial.

And so here I am, open to acknowledging that I cannot be whole and vibrant and live a truly inspired life until I fully open to allow every aspect of my being to find expression.

Part-time honesty and authenticity does not count.

I read somewhere a while back that the extent to which we are in pain is a reflection of the amount of love that we withold. That love is the love for ourselves. On soul level.

And so I am setting intention to allow myself to enjoy a way of being that lets my heart sing whenever I get up in the morning. And I am also setting intention to allow that song to radiate out and touch others, giving them permission to do the same.

No one said it would be easy but I am so willing to take the challenge.


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6 Responses to Self Censorship is not Just Self-Betrayal – Inspiration from Emerson

  1. Judy Szabo says:

    Fiona my dear, you have spoken from my heart, now I also have to start working on my own life. But how to do it without other people in my life getting offended, hurt, thinking I am being selfish for wanting to do my own thing, things that make ME happy???
    If you have some ideas please let me know.
    Wishing you luck,
    Judy

    • Fiona Stolze says:

      Dear Judy, it’s wonderful that you feel a resonance with this. One thing I know with absolute certainty. In order for my soul to sing, it is time to completely let go any attachment to what other people choose to do with what I share with the world. On a soul level my responsibility is to me and me alone. My happiness is key to my evolution. And so every day I tune in to that higher resonance within myself and listen to what I am being urged to do. Being courageous enough to be true to myself is the only choice. xxx

  2. What a rich topic you’ve taken on here, Fiona. It feels to me we all have areas of our lives where we are self-betraying–often without even being aware of it. I listen closely to my inner guidance and can no longer really go against what i hear, although admittedly, sometimes I do stall. The impulse to “follow the energy” has been my guide for so long that I can hardly do anything else. However, there are those areas where I am not in alignment with my intention, mostly because I’m listening, but unable to really hear just yet. Partnership is one of those areas for me. It has been a huge part of my life, and while I’ve learned a lot, I feel I have yet to be in alignment with all that it can be. I’ve been in denial of how deep certain patterns run in me and how easily I escape into my comfort zone of independence and solitude to keep from facing them. But as more and more of me opens, even those deeply buried patterns begin to present themselves. Then the question becomes, “Am I willing to see how i’ve been deceiving myself in this area of life? Do I have the courage to start listening to his dimension at the same level that I’ve cultivated in others?” That’s what I’m wrestling with right now.

    • Fiona Stolze says:

      Hi Maridel

      Lovely to hear from you. I really picked up on what you said about being unable to hear just yet. That’s such a valid point. Hearing the promptings but feeling unready to take action and bring it all into being.

      I agree with what you wrote about checking in with ourselves to see if we are willing to look at where we’ve been deceiving ourselves. I’ve always found it’s been easy in some areas but it’s the areas that we ignore that are demanding our attention.

      It’s wonderful to hear how we are all basically on the same path with this. Encouraging each other to listen, to tune in more, will help us all move on. Happy wrestling. xx

  3. I love the imagery you create Fiona. The thoughts and feelings you express are so universal. Most of us are “guilty” of all of these things. I know that I relate completely to what you are saying. And try as I might to commit to live differently, it is hard to break those lifetime habits. I don’t say that because I don’t believe you can. I DO believe you can. I just know that it doesn’t happen overnight and so like me, I want you to be kind to yourself if you falter. And then just return to your intention. It will be a new you. It will.

    Susan Berland
    A Picture’s Worth
    http://www.susan-berland.com

    • Fiona Stolze says:

      Hi Susan,

      Thanks for commenting. I’m so glad you resonate with this post. I’m sure it touches all of us in some way or another. And thanks for your reminder. I will be kind to myself. It doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it’s a lifelong thing. Setting intention for us all to break these lifetime habits. xx

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